Today is a 6. You will plan to wake up early, but end up getting up at 10:30 due to reading Terry Pratchett's Hogfather late into the evening the night before. Venus has crossed paths with Mars, which means you should spend a few minutes as you shower reflecting on your finances so that you won't make any more trips to Olsson's Books and Records. You will have an intensely cognitive experience today at your Institution of Learning. Make sure you take your pen to the review session Mercury has shoved into your sphere, as you will want to remember the answers to all of the inane, ridiculous questions dealing with minutia that will not be on the exam that your fellow students have emailed to your professor.
Once the Earth's pull has sucked all of the information that you might actually need out of your brain, it will be time for you to walk through the early summer heat to the mythical Salon of Hair, where you will want to discuss removal of that extra layer with your expensive stylist. Fortunately, Pluto has smiled on you, and your stylist will not f*ck it up, but will instead do just what you wanted, although it may not look quite as good as you planned. This is because Orestes is feeling mischevious.
Once you have retreated back to your domestic area, you will accept a position working for the Honorable Judge Johnson, which sounds like a good opportunity! Late in the evening you will decide that today is the Day for Productivity, but sadly the imp Neptune will cause you to veer off course when your cousin calls to see if you want to go see Reel Big Fish and Catch-22 in June, which will cause you to call your friend Josiah to see if he wants to get tickets too. Venus is pissing on you right now, so you will feel compelled to have one more discussion about the f*ckwit whom you dated last month. Fortunately, this will lead to the funniest bad joke you have heard all day:
D: "Yeah, he was normal for a month and then he just disappeared. It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!"
J: "and that's spelled H-I-D-E!!!"
That will be the best moment in your somewhat blah day.
Food of the Day: Pasta with Cheese
God who is Smiling on You: Heath, the God of Klondike Bars
God who Spit on Your Food When You Weren't Looking: Jaster the God of Stubbed Toes
Things to Avoid: that second Klondike bar, bartenders who try to pick you up, people who try to give you a plate of macaroni and cheese on the sidewalk (really, avoid them!)
Things to Embrace: Chinchillas, people who offer you employment, good looking men.
Reliability of This Horoscope: Unfortunately for you, this horoscope will be 99.9% accurate. We know you wish it was one of the ones that promise you "a day of new beginnings," "a meeting with a potential mate," or "financial success in the coming month," but our sense of irony isn't that developed.
Mindless but Fun Game of the Day
"On your current playlist, hit shuffle and pick the first twenty songs on the list (no matter how cheesy or embarrassing), and write down your favorite line of the song. Try to avoid putting the song title in the line. Then, have your friends comment and see if they know the songs."
1) “In my mind I can swear, I can swear I heard her say: ‘Don't wait for me , I got a lot to do , I got a lot to be; and in the end maybe I’ll see you there.’”
2) “All by myself, I'm so much better on my own; and way out there, it is the same old place that it always has been.”
3) “I’m never gonna know you now, but I’m gonna love you anyhow.”
4) “Is it a blessing or a curse to be given just enough?”
5) “She's got it all figured out. She knows what everything's about.”
6) “And I'm a bad boy ‘cause I don't even miss her; I'm a bad boy for breakin' her heart.”
7) If you wanna save your soul from hell a-ridin on our range;
then cowboy change your ways today or with us you will ride;
tryin to catch the devil's herd across these endless skies.”
8) “Guess that push has come to this, so I guess this must be shove; but before you throw those stones at me tell me what is your house made of?”
9) “Rescue me from this black hole. It sucked me in and left me dying.
You're the truth that I've been seeking, ‘cause my whole life I've been lying.”
10) “Sitting around the house, watching the sun trace shadows on the floor. Searching for signs of life, but there's nobody home.”
11) “Help me, I broke apart my insides. Help me, I’ve got no soul to sell.”
12) “And I hate elevator music. The way we fight. The way I'm left here silent.”
13) “I had a match, but she had a lighter.
I had a flame, but she had a fire.
I was bright, but she was much brighter.
I was high, but she was the sky.”
14) “But he stayed in the city.
Kept on changin' clothes in dirty old phone booths ‘till his work was through;
Had nothing to do but go on home.
And sometimes I despair the world will never see another man like him.”
15) “But things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do;
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you."
16) “I don't believe in sanctity; a hypocrisy. Could everyone agree that no one should be left alone.”
17) “But Lancelot mused a little space. He said, "She has a lovely face; God in his mercy lend her grace, The Lady of Shalott."
18) “The line it is drawn, the curse it is cast.
The slow one now will later be fast.
As the present now will later be past.
The order is rapidly fadin'.”
19)” I eat when I’m hungry and I travel alone, just outside all of the houses where I feel most at home.”
20) “And if there’s nothing left to die for, and all this, our beauty, is just decay; and if there’s nothing left to die for; then you and me, let’s go out going all the way.”