A FOX executive, who asked not to be identified, explained the decision thusly: "Well, this morning while we were eating our gold dust-iced donuts and drinking our hand-ground artisan coffee, we started debating whether to make the movie PG-13 or R. Ryan [Reynolds] was in the room, and he's been advocating for an R film since the beginning; but he's just an actor and a Deadpool fan, so I mean, what does he know? Anyway, the debate got heated, and then it turned into a wrestling match on the conference table, and then before we knew it there was an all-out punch fest going on, because, I mean, Ryan gets very worked up about these things. And blood was flying everywhere, and it got on my new silk tie, and basically at that point I just had to put my foot down and tell everyone that if they couldn't play nice, they couldn't have nice things. So we're cancelling the Deadpool movie. People are too invested. And if my execs and actors are so invested, I can't even imagine what the fans will be like. I mean, we can't have FOX on the hook for riots in the street and stuff if we don't give them what they want. You saw how mad they were about our first Deadpool SNAFU. We can't risk another."
When asked if he didn't think fans would be more upset by cancellation of the movie, which had already been stuck in development hell for an incomprehensibly long time before being greenlit, the executive replied, "Huh. I hadn't really thought of that. I guess they'll get over it. I mean, they got over that Firefly thing eventually, right? ...Or did they? Oh well. Too late now. We already allocated the remaining Deadpool budget to Alvin and the Chipmunks 4."
After hearing this immensely depressing news, I reached out to Deadpool screenwriters Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick for comment. Reese returned my call. "We tried so hard to get the movie made!" he said, sniffling a little into the phone. "I can’t believe it’s not going to happen. February 12, 2016 will feel so empty now. But I’m on Ryan's side here. If you're going to do Deadpool, you have to either go hard [R] or go home." Reese then excused himself to go work on his current screenplay, which, he informed me, features zombies attacking a film studio and its head executives.
I also reached out to the Deadpool star himself, Ryan Reynolds. He agreed to a Skype video interview; which revealed that the usually dapper Reynolds was taking the cancellation news very hard; at least if his unshaven, unwashed, bathrobe-clad appearance was anything to go by. (Also, he was eating cookie dough ice cream straight out of the carton and looked suspiciously red around the eyes.) Reynolds appeared slightly unfocused and fairly distraught as I asked him how he was bearing up under the news.
“I’m trying to be positive,” he said, a stray tear running down his cheek and plopping into the ice cream. “We got so close to having a great canon Deadpool movie. So maybe that will happen again before I’m too old to play him. It could happen, right? Right??”
I agreed that it is always good to keep hope alive, but inquired as to what his plans might be now that he’s not slated to be the Merc with a Mouth anytime soon. “Well, I always like doing comic book movies and playing superheroes,” he said, “so I’ve auditioned for the newest Marvel movie; the Great Lakes Avengers film! You know, you wouldn’t think the GLA would be a top choice for a movie, given they’re not really stars of the Marvel universe; but then again, neither were the Guardians of the Galaxy, and look how that turned out! Plus,” he confided, “I think maybe Marvel is running out of characters to add to their movie schedule. Anyway, I’m super excited! Marvel wanted me to audition for Flatman, I guess because I look kind of like him, but I wanted to work outside the box on this one, so I opted for Squirrel Girl. I hope I get the part! She’s so badass. Plus, she gets to play with squirrels, and those little critters are just adorable.”
...Squirrel Girl? Hrm. I’m a great supporter of Reynolds’ work; but I think the announcement that the Deadpool movie has been cancelled may have sent him over the edge. Still, at least auditions will get him away from the ice cream and out of the house. Now if only I and the multitudes of other disappointed fans could figure out something that would do the same for us. I guess...I guess I’ll go off to work and try to live my life like a normal, non-sad-nerd person, huh? Yeah...that.
Just, please, nobody tell me any more bad news today, okay? I don’t think I can handle it right now. Even if it’s just a joke.