Now that I'm freeeeeeeee, I've decided to act on my TRUE desires. Therefore, I am going...to buy a yurt! (I've always wanted to live in a yurt.)
I'm also moving to Antarctica. My bestest friend ever, Sandra Bullock, just sent me an email about this GREAT colony of penguins that we can go and live in harmony with. She is so OVER this stupid-husband-cheating thing, and the two of us have decided to therefore eschew all men (Bridget Jones is yea verily our role model) and go make mukluks together in the wild. We are also going to enroll in the colony's newly offered course, "Teach Yourself Epic Ice Sculpture in Just Three Days." Because as it turns out, Sandy B's secret lifelong dream is to be an ice sculptor! Who knew? (Well I did, but I wasn't going to tell any of YOU.)
Since I will no longer need most of my stuff (it won't fit in the deluxe igloo we are putting next to the yurt), I hereby bequeath the following to my lovely friends:
My ridiculously large collection of Deadpool everything:
The remainder of my collection will be shipped in a giant mint chocolate chip cake to
My collection of Discworld memorabilia shall be sent to the Alzheimer's Research Trust to auction off, because even on days when we are silly we know a good cause when we see it. Except for anything that
My collection of Tiny Things Just The Right Size For Dolls goes to
All tiny vampire or frankesteinesque stuffed bears that may exist in my apartment at the time of said move to the Penguin Colony are hereby the property of
To
My membership at the next UK Discworld Convention goes to
To

To
To all the snarkers on my list, I leave my snark with you. I won't need it in Antarctica, as penguins are VERY SERIOUS. I have heard some of them even have SERIOUS MEETINGS. But I am not worried. After you have my snark, I will be serious too.
To
Anything I own that is vaguely Norwegian in nature shall go to
To
To all my other friends, I would leave you things but I can't remember what else I own and also, I am lazy. All this typing (which I am doing with my left foot after having learned Left Foot Typing from a book) is making me hungry. BUT I LOVE YOU LIKE CRAZY. So if you comment on this post I will leave you something. And those who don't can have all the stuff that's left over. Except for the pepper shaker. Don't take it out of the apartment. It is possessed, and you do NOT want to see what happens if it leaves the apartment. Trust me. Zuul is afraid of my pepper shaker. That's how bad it is.
And now, all that remains before I board the boat that will take us to the barge that will take us to the shuttle that will take us to the plane that will take us to the helicopter that will take us to Antarctica is to say -- HEY. WHO MOVED MY POPSICLE?
Peace out, playas.
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