Emily (foresthouse) wrote,


Well, kids, that's it for me. I'm tired of this silly "law" stuff. Copyright? Trademark? Who needs it? Entertainment law? Whatever! I got a letter in the mail today telling me an anonymous benefactor just paid off my $1.7 trillion dollar law school debt, so I am OUTTA THIS PLACE.

Now that I'm freeeeeeeee, I've decided to act on my TRUE desires. Therefore, I am going...to buy a yurt! (I've always wanted to live in a yurt.)

I'm also moving to Antarctica. My bestest friend ever, Sandra Bullock, just sent me an email about this GREAT colony of penguins that we can go and live in harmony with. She is so OVER this stupid-husband-cheating thing, and the two of us have decided to therefore eschew all men (Bridget Jones is yea verily our role model) and go make mukluks together in the wild. We are also going to enroll in the colony's newly offered course, "Teach Yourself Epic Ice Sculpture in Just Three Days." Because as it turns out, Sandy B's secret lifelong dream is to be an ice sculptor! Who knew? (Well I did, but I wasn't going to tell any of YOU.)

Since I will no longer need most of my stuff (it won't fit in the deluxe igloo we are putting next to the yurt), I hereby bequeath the following to my lovely friends:

My ridiculously large collection of Deadpool everything:

deadpoolbugle and youtubedeadpool may peruse the collection and divide evenly between themselves anything in my collection that they want and don't already have. All determinations of fair division will be presided over by Kitty Pryde, who lives in my closet on the weekends. If there is fighting, money should be charged and the Ultimate Conqueror of the fight shall be awarded a tiny pig. But he shall lose whatever he was fighting for, because there should never be fighting among friends! Unless it's over the Deadpool #1 Joe! Kelly! signed. All bets are off then.

The remainder of my collection will be shipped in a giant mint chocolate chip cake to vwlphb, but she must never sell it or fiery turtles from the sky will descend to attack her. I've contracted with some fiery turles for just this purpose. Dollpool will also revert back to vwlphb unless she says it's ok for youtubedeadpool to have it, in which case he gets it for his son, who is NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE DOLLPOOL UNTIL HE WASHES HIS STICKY HANDS. HOWEVER, all claims to Dollpool outside of vwlphb are trumped if Nathan Massengill wants him. Because, hello? It's Nathan. He rules.

My collection of Discworld memorabilia shall be sent to the Alzheimer's Research Trust to auction off, because even on days when we are silly we know a good cause when we see it. Except for anything that annamc might want. She gets first pick.

My collection of Tiny Things Just The Right Size For Dolls goes to cleolinda. That includes the mysteriously lost box of Tiny Things that I SWEAR is somewhere in my parents' basement in New Jersey. Every last tiny candlestick and fork in that box will be cleolinda's, unless she stops writing Secret Life of Dolls, in which case the Tiny Things will come to life and chase her around yelling at her (WHAT HAPPENED TO FARAMIIIIIIIIR? DID THE SQUIRRELS GET HIIIIIM? WILL EDWARD CHOOSE BELLA OVER HIS PONIIIIIIIEEEEES? WE MUST KNOW.) before running away and becoming the possessions of maudelynn.

All tiny vampire or frankesteinesque stuffed bears that may exist in my apartment at the time of said move to the Penguin Colony are hereby the property of maudelynn. Also any floofy skirts she wants. HOWEVER, if she posts more than two (2) picspam posts (YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN) in one week, vampbear will be transferred to the custody of cleolinda until such time as maudelynn can stay within the stated limits (IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD), at which point she will receive Iron Man Bear (I'M ONLY TRYING TO HELP, YOU KNOW). Iron Man Bear currently exists only in the world of InPotentia, but I have eXtreme confidence he will be real and furry by the time I move. (OH, WHO ARE WE KIDDING. I LOVE THOSE POSTS. :D)

To queenanthai I leave my entire collection of non-Deadpool comics (MOSTLY MARVEL YOU KNOW), but only if she a) reads them all within 26.2 days of receipt and b) proclaims in front of at least 15 reliable witnesses (or on Made of Fail) that, and I quote, "Yeah, ok. Marvel's cool too." and does NOT follow this statement with either "But...GEOFF JOHNS" or "DC DC DC DC" or "I LOVE STERLING GATES THE MOSTEST." And under no circumstances is she allowed to utter "WIL WHEATON" until at least 20 minutes after the statement is made, or her ownership of said comics will immediately pass to alliancesjr, who will be allowed to keep them forever but only if he reads them all within 5 days. Bathroom breaks are allowed.

My membership at the next UK Discworld Convention goes to alliancesjr, who will have full permission to claim that he is, in fact, "Emily," and therefore is on "a first name basis" with all Discworld folk. (Pls. note all responsibility for anything that anyone in the Discworld community might ever blame "Emily" for shall now be the sole responsibility of alliancesjr as well. But don't worry. They never found out about the time Terry only appeared as a hologram at a main convention event. Or the time I stole his hat and pretended to be him and got away with it. Or that I was the person behind the bit with the lemurs. Whoooo, boy. Those lemurs were funny.)

To addygryff I leave my vast collection of digital Deadpool related stuff, if she can find it on my hard drive. And ask_deadpool, to be owned jointly with gestalt1, pensive1, and skybreak_seeker. However, henceforth ask_deadpool shall only be used for posting LolDeadpool pics. Any violations of this pronouncement, and ownership will revert to deadpoolbugle. (Disclaimer: I am not responsible for anything that happens once any of the named heirs to the kingdom accept ownership for ask_deadpool. No, Deadpool never teleports out of the computer to write the entries himself before going down to the corner bar for a drink and a fight. No, I've never had to pay damages to four old ladies and a carrier pigeon trainer for anything related to this completely fictional event. Don't worry. It's all perfectly safe.)

To ashcomp I give the choice of a piece of my Discworld collection (before it goes away) and his choice of 20 sci-fi or fantasy books from my shelves. But if he takes any of the ones signed by people with an even number of letters in their names, his convertible will immediately turn into a Yugo. So ashcomp, think carefully about how much that Once More With Footnotes signed by Sir Terry and Esther Friesner is worth to ya!

To all the snarkers on my list, I leave my snark with you. I won't need it in Antarctica, as penguins are VERY SERIOUS. I have heard some of them even have SERIOUS MEETINGS. But I am not worried. After you have my snark, I will be serious too.

To katzchen3 and prettyh, I WOULD hand over my collection of Matt Good stuff, except that I am quite sure that both of you already have more Matt Good stuff than me. Therefore, I will take it with me. I have heard penguins REALLY LIKE the song about that place being about to burn or something. I can't imagine why. I mean, it's not like they ever get COLD. But I will play it for them anyway and see what happens. If they dance, I will send the recording to both Heathers via sled dog, and there will be a penguin party.

lady_of_mists, you may have my little limited edition lead Deadpool figure from the UK (sorry, other Deadpool folk) but ONLY if you can recite backwards and with complete canon accuracy the entirety of the Deadpool/T-Ray storyline. Phone calls to writer Joe! Kelly! for clues will be considered TOTALLY CHEATING. Arguments as to whether Wade is really named Wade or Jack shall be settled by means of opening a Secret Envelope I will leave in the apartment. When opened, the page inside will read. "HIS NAME IS WADE. BECAUSE I LIKE THAT STORYLINE BETTER." All people who show up claiming that Deadpooi was actually A Man Named Jack will be visited by a flock of angry seagulls with digestive problems.

Anything I own that is vaguely Norwegian in nature shall go to nsfinch. This includes anything she sees and wants that she can convince OTHER people is "totes related to Norway, ja!" I have full confidence she may manage to walk off with half of my belongings in just this manner. Which is good, because I'm too lazy to get rid of the stuff myself.

particle_person gets ALLLLL my books on science. Oh wait. I don't have any books on science. Well ok then. How about that one book on coding Java? COME ON IT'S RIVETING.

To snacky I shall give the tiny clay ice cream sundae I made once. Sorry, cleolinda. But you still get the tiny mugs! I also leave her Emily's Law, which states that "IT'S ALL GOOD IF I SAY IT IS SO STOP FIGHTING ON THE INTERNETZ." This shall also be known as the Random Mod Law, and will surely catch on one of these days so I can be cool like the cool kids (I'M LOOKIN' AT YOU, GODWIN.)

dachelle, you can have that one Dylan Moran TV appearance video that I own and you might not. You may also have Dylan Moran's hair, which I own under the common laws of Pluto. Be warned, though: detaching the hair from his head is prohibited by Plutonian law. Also I've heard it comes to life if you aren't looking directly at it. Watch out for sneak attacks!

To all my other friends, I would leave you things but I can't remember what else I own and also, I am lazy. All this typing (which I am doing with my left foot after having learned Left Foot Typing from a book) is making me hungry. BUT I LOVE YOU LIKE CRAZY. So if you comment on this post I will leave you something. And those who don't can have all the stuff that's left over. Except for the pepper shaker. Don't take it out of the apartment. It is possessed, and you do NOT want to see what happens if it leaves the apartment. Trust me. Zuul is afraid of my pepper shaker. That's how bad it is.

And now, all that remains before I board the boat that will take us to the barge that will take us to the shuttle that will take us to the plane that will take us to the helicopter that will take us to Antarctica is to say -- HEY. WHO MOVED MY POPSICLE?

Peace out, playas.
Tags: april fool's, holidays, ridiculous stories, silliness

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