Rorschach's Advice Column; February 7, 2010
Arrived in Virginia to investigate murder by snowdrift. Rode Metro to crime scene. Metro much cleaner than subway. People on train do not meet each others' eyes. Approve of this. Eye contact unnecessary unless interrogating suspect. Do not approve of paper tickets, though. Have image of pandas on back. Do not understand. Is this mascot of city? Pandas not very fierce. Think nation's capital would have more self-respect, but then, number of politicians per square foot here does make city corrupt and soft like underbelly of overfed panda, easy to pierce with sharpened bamboo of incisive thinking. Maybe panda does make sense. Hrm.
Crime scene easy to read. Solved murder in three minutes using piece of garden hose and simple deductions. Did not even need to use crowbar on suspect. Disappointing. Suspect weak like rotted rubber left in pool of dank water swirling with infectious disease and dead insects. Confessed to everything within minutes. Left suspect superglued by hands to courthouse steps. Superglue not best method, but misplaced rope on trip when jostled by large man with sweat stains under armpits.
Checked P.O. box before leaving town. P.O. box for informants to leave tips on heinous crimes. Used to use hollowed top of fire hydrant, but city replaced hydrant last year. This city is obsessed with appearance; it preens and primps and plasters itself in marble stairs and pretend European glory to cover the festering underbelly of crime and homelessness that stinks up the alleys and graffitis the storefronts with a patina of corrupt sweat. Also replaces fire hydrants that don't need replacing. Found three letters waiting in box. Appear to be pranks, as not tips on murderers but requests for advice. Hrm. Considered throwing them into gutter with detritus of excesses of city's patrons, but found self bored on train back to City That Never Stops Fornicating. Decided to answer letters instead of continuing contemplation of muck and mayhem that comprise this ugly world.
I met a really cute guy in NYC last year, but he lives in another state than I do and I'm not sure he knows I exist. I was thinking about bungeeing into his workplace with a big sign saying, "You're awesome, let's get coffee," but I'm kind of afraid of heights. What should I do??
Perilously Pining Polly
Best advice can give is for you to lock self in room until you realize trying to enter relationship with other human is risky, dangerous, and pointless. Will let you down or try to kill you every time. Fact. Also, would have to turn you in for trespassing if you bungeed into person's place of business. Do not try it.
P.S. Coffee is known to stain teeth and cause digestive disturbances. Avoid.
Dear Mr. Rorschach,
I went out for a walk in two feet of snow and now I'm in the middle of some pine trees and can't see any street signs. I didn't know we had pine trees in the D.C. area. They don't usually grow in concrete, do they? I'm really worried, because I didn't go through a wardrobe or a portal or anything, but I think I'm hearing sleigh bells now. I don't know how to find my way without knowing what letter and number street corner I'm near. How do I get home?
Lost in Someplace That Isn't Yonkers
Idiots like you are cause of all bad in world. This city froths with scum that can't be bothered to pay attention to anything besides selves. Selfish souls with agendas of avarice. Next time, watch where feet are walking and you will not end up frozen to death in middle of pine stand.
P.S. No one will miss you.
P.P.S. Sleigh bells do not exist in D.C. area. You are very lost.
I am having friends over soon, and am planning to cook a nice steak dinner for them. Unfortunately, when I tried to cook a steak this week to practice for the dinner gathering, it turned out more like jerky than anything else. I am sad about this. Do you know how I can make my steak more juicy and tender for my dinner guests, or shall I have to resort to store-bought ravioli or the like? Please help me!
Sad and Steakless
Hrm. Solution is easy: cancel dinner. Why have others over in first place? Don't understand urge to concoct complex recipes for others. Better off without them. Scum.
P.S. Tenderizing hammer handy for this sort of thing, though. Also for crushing kneecaps.
P.P.S. Why not just open can of beans? Serve with sugar cubes.