Emily (foresthouse) wrote,

Deadpool. Weapon, Part I: The Devil

[Confused? Start at the beginning with Chapter 1]


Previously, on Deadpool: Weapon:

[What up, hep cats? Slide me some skiiiiin. Oops, sorry. Been watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory again. Man, I love it when those little dolls melt. Isn’t that Wonka guy creepy, though? I bet he’s a mass-murderer. He probably offs Oompa-Loompas for fun.

Oh! Yeah, so I’m supposed to be telling you what happened in Chapter 2, even though it was so damn short
[she’s one lazy writer, ain’t she?] that you could probably read it quicker than reading this.

Hem. So...when last we saw Our Hero
[Me! Me! Me!], he was being the loveable and cuddly merc we all know and love for being so loveable and cuddly that really he should have his own cuddly plush doll by now and I don’t know what Marvel is waiting for, ‘cause all the kids would clamor for such a loveable— OUCHIE! What? Why? Aw, *&#@%! Fine. The truth then. ...he was packing for his trip to NYC so he could go be all hero-like and kill Deathstroke for those ridiculously named Teen Titans [seriously, what kind of a name is that? It wouldn’t even strike fear into a one-armed midget]. He was also maybe possibly kinda-sorta playing some tricks on Blind Al [she loves tricks! Really! They remind her she’s still alive and kickin’. Or chokin’ on curry, in this case].

Then he got a call from Weasel
[what, you missed that? It happened offscreen] who met him in a dingy bar so they could swap merch for money. So now he’s got some sweet new gear that is gonna be SO MUCH FUN to try out when it comes to kicking Deathstroke’s sorry butt, which is gonna be a helluva good time, ‘cause you know I’m the MAN, and Deathstroke doesn’t even know what’s comin’ his way, and I can’t wait to try out that one thing Weasel rigged up, and Deathstroke, you are gonna be PWNED, because baby, I got youuuuuuuuu... ......... Hm. Damn segues into song. They just don’t work as well without the little music notes you get in the comic books, do they? Hrmph. So. Uh. Basically, that’s where we’re a—oh, hey Weasel!]

“Uh, who’re you talkin’ to, ‘Pool?”

“The readers, fool!”

“...What readers? Listen, ‘Pool, you’d better get going; that little doohickey I rigged up won’t be able to merge the Marvel and DC universes for long. You’ve only got a few hours to find and beat Deathstroke.”

“Yeah, yeah, spoil my fun, why don'cha?”

[So, are you ready for The Big Fight Scene, boys and girls? ‘Cause I sure am. [I’m even wearing my lucky Squirrel Girl Underoos[TM]].]

Chapter 3: If God he gave you a voice, then use it*

Some Dirty Alley, The City That Never Sleeps Alone

Deadpool stepped out of the cab. “How much?” he asked the cabby as he slammed the door.

“That’ll be $19.28, man,” the cabby drawled.

Deadpool snorted. “You know, if you tried to gyp a New Yorkean like that, he’d punch you inna face.”

“Yeah, but you ain’t from New York, are ya?” the cabby smirked.

“Nah...but I learn fast!”

Deadpool strolled away, shaking his knuckles, because it’s totally what you DO if you’ve just punched a guy in the face, even if your healing factor means you didn’t really notice any pain. He looked around. Hm. A blind alley. Only one way out. Fun stuff to swing off of. Hiding places, random obstacles and junk to throw. Excellent.

And there was a payphone right there on the corner. He strolled towards it to make the call, reviewing his plan—well, not a plan, per se, he wasn’t so big on plans, but his idea—well, not an idea so much as a thought, but it was a good thought, and—

“What the— Dammit! Stupid DC universe.” he muttered as Batman landed in front of him. “And stupid frikkin’ Batman.” He raised his voice. “Yo! What uuuuup, Batster? Long time no see! How’s the flying-creepily-around-in-the-night-with-a-silly-helmet-thing-on goin’ for ya? High five! Come on, high five! Don’t leave me hangin’! Oh, that's so lame!”

Batman glared at him and grabbed him by the neck of his uniform. “Shut up, punk. I don’t know who the hell you are, but I saw you punch that cabby in the face, and I don’t stand for that kind of abuse towards innocent citizens. I’m gonna make you pay.”

“ ‘Innocent citizens,’ huh? Yeah, you wouldn’t think he was so innocent if he’d just overcharged YOU $14.22 on the cab fare. You should be making him pay. I mean, yeah, I could have just teleported here instead, but what kind of fun is that, I ask you? No really, I ask you. Do you think it’s fun? Have you ever tried it? Inquiring minds want to know how teleporting feels for other people. It always leaves me with an aftertaste kinda like banana pudding, for some reason. Even Weasel hasn’t figured that one out yet. But I think he’d say—”

Batman stared at him. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, but—“

“—Well no one does, most of the time, but that’s the home-court advantage, my pointy-eared and freaky friend. As I always say—“

“—I’m going to shut you up permanently if you don’t do it on your own.”

“Ah. So you’re all riled up then, I see. Although I can’t imagine why you think you’d be able to shut me up. So whaddaya say—“

“I’m Batman.” said Batman, glowering.

[And there it is, folks. Batman’s answer to life, the universe, and everything.]

“Well I got that part, but I can’t see why you think a guy who wears his undies on the outside would be much of a match for, say—“

“Why you little...I’m going to make you sorry you ever said th--“

“Yup, definitely riled. Well hey, never let it be said I don’t do my part to motivate the superheroes of this world! Or any world, for that matter. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I was working with the X-Men and I tried on Marvel Girl’s uniform? MAN. That motivated them! Motivated them right onto the X-Jet quicker than you could say—“

“Who the hell are the X-Men?” snarled Batman. “And shut up!”

“—Of course, they all seemed to be trying to get in front of me while they ran, and none of them would look at me, but I think it’s just because those feebs were so keen to be off and saving the world from Cable. You ever met Cable? ‘Cause if he were here now, I bet he’d say—“

“Will you shut UP, already?” Batman shouted, shaking Deadpool. “You’re driving me nuts!”

“—Actually, that’s exactly what he would say! See, he’s this crazy guy that can teleport places, and we kinda mixed up some of our DNA, so now if either of us wants to teleport, we just say—“

“Graaaaaah!” Batman flung Deadpool to the ground. “That’s IT! I know I’ve got some Bat-tape around here somewhere! Maybe a Bat-gag...”

“—Bodyslide by two,’ and we both end up teleporting together, and—hey, wait. Shouldn’t I have teleported just now, then? Ohhh, shit. There I go again with the continuity thing. I’m such a putz, I forgot. We’re still in the 1997 run, and I’m not allowed to have homoerotic subtext with the big techno-organic dude until 2004. Well aren’t my ears red! [Actually, they are, since I’m wearing my mask, which you could see if this was a comic instead of just text. But I think you know what I mean]. Hey, what are you doing in New York anyway, Batman? Isn’t Gotham City more your beat? Batman? Batman? Why are you all curled up on the ground like that?”

Deadpool waited a minute, but Batman didn’t look like he was going to stop whimpering anytime soon. “Huh. Well that was kind of pointless,” Deadpool muttered, and headed for the phone.


Keep your eyes peeled for Chapter 4, which might actually contain some fighting (maybe)!


*Chapter Title: From Lullaby for the New World Order, by Matthew Good.
Tags: comics, deadpool, deadpool: weapon, fanfic

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