So, let's see if I get this title-and-disclaimer thing I always see right:
Title – Weapon, Part I: The Devil (otherwise known as missing issue #9.5 of the '97 Deadpool run)
Author – foresthouse, who is probably going to regret this
Rating – So far? PG, I think. But I have a feeling it might get violent...
Pairing – None, as yet, but I can tell you my Deadpool is not of teh ghey (he hasn't bonded with Cable yet, heh. None of that "bodysliding by two" around these here parts).
Summary – The Merc with a Mouth wants to be a hero, my friends. What else is new? He gets a new mission. Oh, the fun he will have. Sadly missing the little yellow boxes, as it’s written, not drawn. In my head it's a comic, but unless someone pops up and volunteers to draw it for me, it's going to stay in text. *sigh* There may be some fourth-wall-busting action, though. Possibly indicated by Deadpool talking in [brackets]. WHEE.
Disclaimer – Marvel pwns everything (even me) and I don’t make a cent. Lyrics from Matthew Good and Matthew Good Band songs also not mine.
Chapter 1: How do you stop once you've started? ... One foot in front of the other...*
Deadpool swaggered through the doorway of the dirty pit known as the Hellhouse, looking thoughtful. Of course, no one could tell what he looked like under his mask, but he knew he looked thoughtful. He headed for the pool table.
“Patch, ol’ buddy ol’ pal!” he said to the short, wizened bald man with the luxurious white mustache, as he threw his arm around the skinny guy’s neck. “Have I got a proposition for you!” He squeezed, and Patch dropped his pool cue.
Patch twisted around and eyed him suspiciously. “What is it, ‘Pool? You sound too happy for it to be good.”
Deadpool released him. “Oh, Patch, you wound me, you really do.” He thumped his chest. “Right here, in the place where I might even have a heart. Now” – he grabbed Patch by the top of his head and steered him around – “let’s you and me step inside your office and discuss this idea I just had.”
Patch grumbled as he was propelled inside. Deadpool slammed the door with a flourishing backwards kick, leaned back, and crossed his arms and ankles.
“So: here’s the deal, my vertically challenged amigo. I’ve had a...revelation. A change of direction, as it were. I’ve decided I want to...help someone.”
“What? Who??” Patch looked around wildly. “You talkin’ about me?”
Deadpool laughed. “No, you crazy old coot. Everyone knows you’re way beyond help! No, I’m talking........... [Please excuse the dramatic pause here, folks, but really, it's essential, isn't it? If only we could add a drumroll somehow.] ...........hero work.”
Patch just stared at him.
“Let me put it another way, mon ami. You: have job? For me: as hero? Yes/no/maybe-so? Hey-hey-hey let’s go-go-go?” Deadpool snapped his fingers under Patch’s nose. “Come oooon, little man, I know you’ve got to have something in that file cabinet that doesn’t involve murdering the somewhat-possibly-innocent. Spill.”
Patch closed his mouth, which had somehow fallen open at Deadpool’s words, shrugged, and shambled over to the files. He picked up the one labeled Pro Bono. “You know the hero stuff never pays, right? Just so we’re clear, OK? OK. I got ONE job like that, ‘Pool. ONE. They’ve got a villain who needs killin’. But it’s in New York.”
“You mean the Big Apple? 'The city that never sleeps alone?' The lights, the nights, the Broadway shows?” Deadpool bounced from foot to foot, waving his hand wildly in the air. “Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me! I’ve always wanted to sing and dance on stage! Hey, check out my moves!”
“Shut up, you big fool, and stop that. You’re making my collection of wobbly hula-girls look like seizure victims.”
Deadpool stopped bouncing. “What, don’t you even want to see my high-kicks? They’re a real show-stopper!”
Patch sighed. “Look – you want the job? You got it. Sign here.”
Patch waited until the contract was signed before handing Deadpool the file. “Congrats, hero – you’ve just been hired by Koriand’r. Details inside. I’ll give her a ring and let her know you’re on the way; I’m sure she’ll be thrilled.”
“You do that, Patch,” Deadpool said, wandering back out into the main room as he opened the file. “Tell her the man of her dreams is about to swoop in with a rescue full of derring-do. Now, let’s just see what’s on the agen--“
He stopped short.
“What the— What the flaming hell? Deathstroke?? You want me to kill Deathstroke?!? You can’t be serious!” Deadpool turned back, but Patch was already busily barricading the door to his office. Deadpool hammered on the door. “HEY! HEYYY!! PATCH! SINCE WHEN DID WE START DOING CROSSOVER MISSIONS???”
Stay tuned for Chapter 2...
*Chapter title from Lullaby for the New World Order and Avalanche, by Matthew Good.