June 16th, 2008

DP fighty time

Deadpool. Weapon, Part I: The Devil

[Confused? Start at the beginning with Chapter 1]

...

Previously, on Deadpool: Weapon:





[Face front, true believers! It’s me, Wade Wilson, a.k.a. Deadpool, a.k.a. the Merc-with-a-Mouth [sorry for all the a.k.a.’s, but I thought you might need reminding, seeing as the lazy writer decided to go on vacation last week and didn’t post a thing about me]! So! When last we left Our Hero [Me? Yep, me!], he was valiantly fighting the evil Deathstroke--

[What? Why can’t I say that?

...

Well, he’s being evil now, isn’t he? I mean, pickin’ on the Teen Titans an’ that cute Koriand’r! That’s SO messed up, beating on teens like that. Like they don’t have it bad enough with the acne and all. Trust me, I know.

...

Ok, ok, OK. *grumble*
]

-- the sometimes evil Deathstroke, who’s also sometimes a good guy because that’s the way we mercenaries roll. Anyways. ‘Stroke an’ me were fighting in some dirty alley in the Big, Shiny Apple, but for this recap, I get to sit here in this nice, comfy, mothball-smellin’ old Broadway theater for a bit while I tell you amnesiacs what’s been happenin’. Ahhh. It’s nice to have a break, y’know, because t’tell ya the truth, Deathstroke was kinda kickin’ my canastas just now. Only a little bit, though, and I was totally just about to--
]

--“Hey! Weasel? Blind Al? T-Ray?!?! Whatchu all doin’ in New York?”

Blind Al: “MST Central just got a call about this storyline, Wade, so we got pulled in to do a little light commentary. You stupid merc. I’m missing Matlock for this.”

Deadpool: “What?! But I thought MSTing was for bad writing. I mean, clearly, this fic is of the super-stellar, extra-helpings of Mouthy Merc in your Murky-Os variety! Why the MSTing?”

Weasel: *hem* “Actually, although the original MST3K TV program was used as a vehicle to poke fun at bad movies, MSTing is now used in fanfiction not only to serve that function, but also to occasionally point out fanfic that strays from canon. True, usually the two purposes go hand in hand (see, e.g. deu_sex_machina) , but it is not completely unorthodox to utilize the format in order to simply point out a glaring swerve away from canon in an otherwise, as you say, 'super-stellar' fic.”

Deadpool: *facepalm* “Trust you to know that, you walking Wikipedia. I can’t believe you just used “utilize” in a sentence in MY fic. Geez, Weas. You need to get out more.”

Weasel: ”Um...well...yeah, not gonna argue that.”

Deadpool: “Anyway, you’re missing your Matlock, Battlestar Galactica, and Passions for nothin’. Em would never mess with canon. No way. You know she’s all about the canon. I mean, a little continuity flub here and there, sure – they come in handy in future retcons, as T-Rex well knows-- (Ed. note: Wade is referring to the little ‘Deadpool's pants’ detail in Issue #39 of Cable & Deadpool) -- but canon is sacred. She said.”

Weasel: “Apparently not, Wade.”

T-Ray: *snort* “Like anything is sacred to you anyway, Wilson.”

Deadpool: “Well, you kinda got me there, T-Bone; but Em’s different. She’s a canon freak. She’s always saying how canon-freaky she is. Why would she change her mind now?”

T-Ray: “Apparently for a bit of lame romance, Wilson. Or possibly a major plot point. But why’s it got your panties in a twist? You of all people should know no one has any scruples these days.”

Weasel: “And, uh, Wade, buddy? I hate to tell you, but she’s been planning this little hiccup from Day 1. I mean, I think this little canon deviation we’re about to hit was actually the impetus for this whole fic...”

Deadpool: “...but...but...”

Blind Al: “Face it, Wade. She’s a dirty, double-talkin’, double-dealin’ gal.”

Deadpool: ”...The cake is a lie...I feel woozy...”

T-Ray: *yawn* “This is boring. Can I get back to looking pasty and killing people with my magic green glow now?”

Weasel: “Probably...Hey, T-Ray, by the way - you ever gonna change that dirty ol’ Band-Aid on your nose?”

T-Ray: “No.” *smack*

Weasel: ”Ow. By dose.

...

Um...I thik I need a Bad-Aid now.”


Blind Al: “Well, it’s been real, Wade, but I’d best get back to scrawling obscene phrases on your Thor Underoos. And possibly the walls. It’s hard to tell where you’re writing when you’re blind. So, you know, ciao! Oh, and don’t forget to finish the recap before the chapter starts.”

Deadpool: *hrmph* “Yeah, and I love you too, you old hag.”

[...Um...so...recap...

...

You’d think I’d be used to stories shifting around by now, what with my constant brain-cell regeneration, but some things still throw the old brain-pan for a loop. Canon deviations? I refuse to believe it. Not from her.

...And clearly, since I refuse to believe it, it’s not true! So, back to the recap! Em took my hand puppets away, so no reenactments this time
[merg]. But let’s just say I may have underestimated Deathstroke a teensy tiny bit. I mean, I knew he was fast, but no one told me about that whole “moving between the seconds” gig. And yeah, I’d heard about that staff thingie, and I might just have some plans for it pretty soon, but I thought for sure the adamantium claws would be more than a match for that promethium armor. I mean, Wolvie uses them to lord it over pretty much everybody in the Marvel world, so how was I supposed to know the DC folks had anything better?

...Not that I can’t still handle things, you know? But this is supposed to be my story. So how come I sort of just got my ass handed to me on a gold-plated platter? Sort of, I said. I mean, I was still totally coming out on top. I just teleported away for a little breather, you know? Just a little break to grow my face back and stuff. No big deal. Find a quiet spot, lay low for a minute or three, regain my eyesight...Funny, though. I thought I felt something hit my ankle as I faded out...
]



Chapter 6: Collapse )

Chapter 7, arriving soon in all its glory...

Chapter 6 title from A Boy and His Machine Gun by Matthew Good Band.