May 10th, 2008

deadpool common sense

Deadpool. Weapon, Part I: The Devil

[Confused? Start at the beginning with Chapter 1]


Previously, on Deadpool: Weapon:

[What up, hep cats? Slide me some skiiiiin. Oops, sorry. Been watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory again. Man, I love it when those little dolls melt. Isn’t that Wonka guy creepy, though? I bet he’s a mass-murderer. He probably offs Oompa-Loompas for fun.

Oh! Yeah, so I’m supposed to be telling you what happened in Chapter 2, even though it was so damn short
[she’s one lazy writer, ain’t she?] that you could probably read it quicker than reading this.

Hem. So...when last we saw Our Hero
[Me! Me! Me!], he was being the loveable and cuddly merc we all know and love for being so loveable and cuddly that really he should have his own cuddly plush doll by now and I don’t know what Marvel is waiting for, ‘cause all the kids would clamor for such a loveable— OUCHIE! What? Why? Aw, *&#@%! Fine. The truth then. ...he was packing for his trip to NYC so he could go be all hero-like and kill Deathstroke for those ridiculously named Teen Titans [seriously, what kind of a name is that? It wouldn’t even strike fear into a one-armed midget]. He was also maybe possibly kinda-sorta playing some tricks on Blind Al [she loves tricks! Really! They remind her she’s still alive and kickin’. Or chokin’ on curry, in this case].

Then he got a call from Weasel
[what, you missed that? It happened offscreen] who met him in a dingy bar so they could swap merch for money. So now he’s got some sweet new gear that is gonna be SO MUCH FUN to try out when it comes to kicking Deathstroke’s sorry butt, which is gonna be a helluva good time, ‘cause you know I’m the MAN, and Deathstroke doesn’t even know what’s comin’ his way, and I can’t wait to try out that one thing Weasel rigged up, and Deathstroke, you are gonna be PWNED, because baby, I got youuuuuuuuu... ......... Hm. Damn segues into song. They just don’t work as well without the little music notes you get in the comic books, do they? Hrmph. So. Uh. Basically, that’s where we’re a—oh, hey Weasel!]

“Uh, who’re you talkin’ to, ‘Pool?”

“The readers, fool!”

“...What readers? Listen, ‘Pool, you’d better get going; that little doohickey I rigged up won’t be able to merge the Marvel and DC universes for long. You’ve only got a few hours to find and beat Deathstroke.”

“Yeah, yeah, spoil my fun, why don'cha?”

[So, are you ready for The Big Fight Scene, boys and girls? ‘Cause I sure am. [I’m even wearing my lucky Squirrel Girl Underoos[TM]].]

Chapter 3: Collapse )

Keep your eyes peeled for Chapter 4, which might actually contain some fighting (maybe)!


*Chapter Title: From Lullaby for the New World Order, by Matthew Good.