May 8th, 2008

deadpool common sense

Deadpool. Weapon, Part I: The Devil

Shhh. Here it is, everyone. My first (somewhat) serious venture into fanfiction. *is embarrassed* I just...couldn't...help myself. (For brief background on the main character, Deadpool, see here. For more, see Wikipedia.)

So, let's see if I get this title-and-disclaimer thing I always see right:

TitleWeapon, Part I: The Devil (otherwise known as missing issue #9.5 of the '97 Deadpool run)
Authorforesthouse, who is probably going to regret this
Rating – So far? PG, I think. But I have a feeling it might get violent...
Pairing – None, as yet, but I can tell you my Deadpool is not of teh ghey (he hasn't bonded with Cable yet, heh. None of that "bodysliding by two" around these here parts).

Summary – The Merc with a Mouth wants to be a hero, my friends. What else is new? He gets a new mission. Oh, the fun he will have. Sadly missing the little yellow boxes, as it’s written, not drawn. In my head it's a comic, but unless someone pops up and volunteers to draw it for me, it's going to stay in text. *sigh* There may be some fourth-wall-busting action, though. Possibly indicated by Deadpool talking in [brackets]. WHEE.

Disclaimer – Marvel pwns everything (even me) and I don’t make a cent. Lyrics from Matthew Good and Matthew Good Band songs also not mine.

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Chapter 1: Collapse )
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Stay tuned for Chapter 2...

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*Chapter title from Lullaby for the New World Order and Avalanche, by Matthew Good.
deadpool common sense

Deadpool. Weapon, Part I: The Devil

Previously (i.e. in Chapter 1), on Deadpool: Weapon:



[Hey cats! It’s me, your friendly neighborhood...mercenary. Um. OK, maybe it works better for Spidey. Anyhoodle, this here’s the spot where I tell all you people with worse memories than me what happened last chapter [Hey, hold up. Is it even possible to have a worse memory than me? Huh.] So...yeah. In chapter one, Our Hero [that’s meeee!] has made the ridiculously silly decision to try to stop killing people for money and be a 'real hero' instead [broke heroes are real heroes, didn’tcha know?]. Patch of the Hellhouse supplies him with a bona-fide “hero job” [that old trickster] and Our Hero discovers that he’ll be fighting...Deathstroke. No, really. I couldn’t believe it either. Apparently, Deathstroke’s been harassing those Teen Titan kids and he’s got to be stopped. Starfire [that’s Koriand’r to you] is paying...basically peanuts for the job. But hey! That’s heroing for ya.

Our Hero heads out the door of the Hellhouse, but on the way back to the 'Hut, this odd blonde girl with short hair informs him that “the readers don’t really know that much about you, Wade. So you need to tell them, right? Right.”

So...about me...um...yeah, I don’t really like to talk about me, actually. Too much of that and I might have to go in The Box. And we don’t want that, oh no we don't. So how’s about I tell you about Blind Al and Weasel instead? Coo? Coo. Blind Al’s my housekeeper. OK, maybe she mothers me a bit too. Oh, and maybe I kidnapped her and she’s my prisoner, too. Yeah, well. Sometimes you just need to lock up the old gal who almost cost your former girlfriend her life because you just couldn’t kill the crazy old dame even if that’s what you were hired for and the bosses got angry about that for some reason and did I mention she’s blind? She makes good sandwiches, but she smokes like a chimney afire. I like the word chimney. It’s fun to say. Chimney, chimney, chimney.

Huh? Oh. Right. Moving on. Weasel’d be my best bud if I actually had any best buds. As it is, he’s my weapons guy, and rigs up all kinds of weird crap for me to haul around and blow people up with. Don't even ask me where I store it all.
[No, really. Don't ask.] He made me this crazy teleporter belt [don’t you love the little Deadpool emblem? So. AWESOME.] and guns and things you wouldn’t even believe. I may or may not have just commissioned him to make me some special gear before going off to fight Deathstroke.

Whaddaya mean, you haven’t heard of Deathstroke? He’s a merc too, but MAN, is he a stick-in-the-mud. Last time I saw him, he gave me some sob story about his dad putting out cigarettes in his eye or some shit, and tried to convince me I was something like “a pale copy of the great Deathstroke.”
* What a yutz. I’m so much more tan than he is. He’s got some decent tricks in a fight, though. A mega-healing factor [but mine’s better, natch – I heard when he’s healing he’s temporarily insane. I can’t even imagine what that would be like], some kind of boomstick that makes things go WHAM, and he’s kinda really fast and stuff. Oh, and then there’s that whole, 'I use 90% of my brain!' thing. Whatever. That’s the lamest superpower I ever heard of. 'Cause you know what? I use 100%, bitch. So just BRING IT, 'cause once I get to the City of Lights [Ed. note: Wade is confusing NYC with Paris again. Please ignore] I'm gonna go completely medieval on your ass. With EXTRA SERVINGS OF BROADSWORD. Yeah, you know i--

What the...what’s that shaking?? Oh. Damn. The blonde girl’s telling me to shut up. And I was having so much fun with you all! Especially YOU, hot brunette in the tank top at the computer lab. ♥ ♥ ♥ Will you be mine?

OUCH. OK, OK. And now, our story.
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Chapter 2: Collapse )

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Chapter 3, coming soon to a computer near you.

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*Chapter title from Alert Status Red, by Matthew Good.

*Thanks to taro_twist for calling my attention to the Superman/Batman Annual fight.