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"Dear Mr. Antisocial Advisor" - Walking on the Edge
I don't really have a plan...
foresthouse
foresthouse
"Dear Mr. Antisocial Advisor"
By request of @cutebutpsycho76. ("write up a little advice column starring a fictional, antisocial character") Please send all blame for the following in her direction.

Rorschach's Advice Column; February 7, 2010

Arrived in Virginia to investigate murder by snowdrift. Rode Metro to crime scene. Metro much cleaner than subway. People on train do not meet each others' eyes. Approve of this. Eye contact unnecessary unless interrogating suspect. Do not approve of paper tickets, though. Have image of pandas on back. Do not understand. Is this mascot of city? Pandas not very fierce. Think nation's capital would have more self-respect, but then, number of politicians per square foot here does make city corrupt and soft like underbelly of overfed panda, easy to pierce with sharpened bamboo of incisive thinking. Maybe panda does make sense. Hrm.

Crime scene easy to read. Solved murder in three minutes using piece of garden hose and simple deductions. Did not even need to use crowbar on suspect. Disappointing. Suspect weak like rotted rubber left in pool of dank water swirling with infectious disease and dead insects. Confessed to everything within minutes. Left suspect superglued by hands to courthouse steps. Superglue not best method, but misplaced rope on trip when jostled by large man with sweat stains under armpits.

Checked P.O. box before leaving town. P.O. box for informants to leave tips on heinous crimes. Used to use hollowed top of fire hydrant, but city replaced hydrant last year. This city is obsessed with appearance; it preens and primps and plasters itself in marble stairs and pretend European glory to cover the festering underbelly of crime and homelessness that stinks up the alleys and graffitis the storefronts with a patina of corrupt sweat. Also replaces fire hydrants that don't need replacing. Found three letters waiting in box. Appear to be pranks, as not tips on murderers but requests for advice. Hrm. Considered throwing them into gutter with detritus of excesses of city's patrons, but found self bored on train back to City That Never Stops Fornicating. Decided to answer letters instead of continuing contemplation of muck and mayhem that comprise this ugly world.

...

Letter #1:

Dear Rorschach,

I met a really cute guy in NYC last year, but he lives in another state than I do and I'm not sure he knows I exist. I was thinking about bungeeing into his workplace with a big sign saying, "You're awesome, let's get coffee," but I'm kind of afraid of heights. What should I do??

Perilously Pining Polly



Polly,

Best advice can give is for you to lock self in room until you realize trying to enter relationship with other human is risky, dangerous, and pointless. Will let you down or try to kill you every time. Fact. Also, would have to turn you in for trespassing if you bungeed into person's place of business. Do not try it.

~RR~

P.S. Coffee is known to stain teeth and cause digestive disturbances. Avoid.

...

Letter #2:

Dear Mr. Rorschach,

I went out for a walk in two feet of snow and now I'm in the middle of some pine trees and can't see any street signs. I didn't know we had pine trees in the D.C. area. They don't usually grow in concrete, do they? I'm really worried, because I didn't go through a wardrobe or a portal or anything, but I think I'm hearing sleigh bells now. I don't know how to find my way without knowing what letter and number street corner I'm near. How do I get home?

Lost in Someplace That Isn't Yonkers


Lost Person,

Idiots like you are cause of all bad in world. This city froths with scum that can't be bothered to pay attention to anything besides selves. Selfish souls with agendas of avarice. Next time, watch where feet are walking and you will not end up frozen to death in middle of pine stand.

~RR~

P.S. No one will miss you.

P.P.S. Sleigh bells do not exist in D.C. area. You are very lost.

...

Letter #3:

Dear Sir,

I am having friends over soon, and am planning to cook a nice steak dinner for them. Unfortunately, when I tried to cook a steak this week to practice for the dinner gathering, it turned out more like jerky than anything else. I am sad about this. Do you know how I can make my steak more juicy and tender for my dinner guests, or shall I have to resort to store-bought ravioli or the like? Please help me!

Sad and Steakless


Sad Sack,

Hrm. Solution is easy: cancel dinner. Why have others over in first place? Don't understand urge to concoct complex recipes for others. Better off without them. Scum.

~RR~

P.S. Tenderizing hammer handy for this sort of thing, though. Also for crushing kneecaps.

P.P.S. Why not just open can of beans? Serve with sugar cubes.

...

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Trixie feels: quixotic quixotic

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Comments
julliel From: julliel Date: February 7th, 2010 07:44 am (UTC) (current file)
I approve of this. :D
foresthouse From: foresthouse Date: February 7th, 2010 07:10 pm (UTC) (current file)
Hee, thanks! :)
chrryblssmninja From: chrryblssmninja Date: February 7th, 2010 09:10 am (UTC) (current file)
foresthouse From: foresthouse Date: February 7th, 2010 07:11 pm (UTC) (current file)
OMG, that's adorable!
mad_bertha From: mad_bertha Date: February 7th, 2010 09:31 am (UTC) (current file)
I absolutely love crack like this! The postscripts are delicious.

Added you, please do not feel obliged to add me back unless you are flocking fanart and fic (I have to add someone that likes Pratchett and Watchmen).



Edited at 2010-02-07 09:32 am (UTC)
foresthouse From: foresthouse Date: February 7th, 2010 07:11 pm (UTC) (current file)
Haha, glad you enjoyed it.

I don't generally lock things, but I don't mind adding new friends anyway. Welcome! :)
mad_bertha From: mad_bertha Date: February 11th, 2010 01:22 pm (UTC) (current file)
Absolutely loved your post on merchandising for women comic fans! I was in between chortling and outrage all the way through :)

foresthouse From: foresthouse Date: February 11th, 2010 07:34 pm (UTC) (current file)
Aw, thanks. :) And your icon makes me giggle. Heh.
carnageincminor From: carnageincminor Date: February 7th, 2010 10:00 am (UTC) (current file)
Hilarious!!
A+++
Rorschach gives excellent advice. In fact, I have a question...

Dear Rorschach,
I want to be a vigilante like you, but every time I fight scum on the streets, my nail polish will get chipped or I'll break a nail. I don't want to compromise my shiny nails in the pursuit of justice; what should I do?
The Manicured Mangler
foresthouse From: foresthouse Date: February 7th, 2010 07:14 pm (UTC) (current file)
Heeheehee. Glad you enjoyed.

...Rorschach will have to answer this next time he's in town. Maybe if he gets a couple more questions he'll come to town again. :)

...btw, I don't know if you know I write a similar "advice journal" as Deadpool: http://ask-deadpool.livejournal.com/ :)
addygryff From: addygryff Date: February 7th, 2010 12:45 pm (UTC) (current file)
... Is Deadpool very mad that Rorschach is hijacking his 'thing'? : P

This was really hilarious, though.

Sleigh bells do not exist in D.C. area. You are very lost.

Kind of killed me. xD So helpful Rory, so helpful.
foresthouse From: foresthouse Date: February 7th, 2010 07:15 pm (UTC) (current file)
LOL, Deadpool is in a different universe, so he won't know! ...Unless, of course, I decide to do an EPIC CROSSOVER. Hee.

Yes, Rorschach is *always* who you'd want to turn to for advice. Heh.
addygryff From: addygryff Date: February 7th, 2010 07:26 pm (UTC) (current file)
Since when is that holding him back? :P
And... you know you want to write the EPIC CROSSOVER just as much as I want to read it. Which is a lot.
foresthouse From: foresthouse Date: February 7th, 2010 07:34 pm (UTC) (current file)
HEEHEE. True, Deadpool is quite capable of leaping into the next universe. He is an inter-world traveler, after all. :)

...Perhaps someday, yeeeeeesssss. Hee.

Although I do feel like I should try to catch up on Ask Deadpool a bit first. So behind! It's tragic, really. ;)
cutebutpsycho99 From: cutebutpsycho99 Date: February 7th, 2010 02:01 pm (UTC) (current file)
HEEE! I like. I also like Deadpool's response to my question. I may need to pose other questions to him too.

Amazing how a bit of late night insanity can create good times.
foresthouse From: foresthouse Date: February 7th, 2010 07:15 pm (UTC) (current file)
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. *g* Glad you liked it.
dessieoctavia From: dessieoctavia Date: February 7th, 2010 03:36 pm (UTC) (current file)
LOL! Thanks for this!
foresthouse From: foresthouse Date: February 7th, 2010 07:15 pm (UTC) (current file)
Glad you liked it! :)
From: jibacoil Date: February 7th, 2010 08:39 pm (UTC) (current file)
This is hilarious and amazing. :D
foresthouse From: foresthouse Date: February 8th, 2010 03:00 am (UTC) (current file)
Glad you enjoyed it! :)
findmyantidrug From: findmyantidrug Date: February 7th, 2010 11:32 pm (UTC) (current file)
I laughed out loud at P.P.S. Sleigh bells do not exist in D.C. area. You are very lost., oh god. This whole thing is hilarious.
foresthouse From: foresthouse Date: February 8th, 2010 03:00 am (UTC) (current file)
Heh, glad you liked it. :) It was fun to write.
oracne From: oracne Date: February 8th, 2010 02:08 pm (UTC) (current file)
ROFL!!!

That was awesome!
foresthouse From: foresthouse Date: February 9th, 2010 08:30 pm (UTC) (current file)
Thanks! :)
cousinmary From: cousinmary Date: June 2nd, 2010 03:21 pm (UTC) (current file)
Awesome. Letter number 1 is my favorite, I think. For some reason I like the idea of young women asking Rorscach for romantic advice... maybe because most of his fans online seem to be just the type of girls that would freak him out :)
foresthouse From: foresthouse Date: September 15th, 2010 05:47 am (UTC) (current file)
Hah, glad you enjoyed it! And yes - his online fans would freak him the hell out, for sure. Heh.
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